Personal Journal

Harvest time!

It's so fascinating that a chili is growing right outside my window lol. I didn't even plant it! Maybe a bird did the trick, because I always hear this one bird knocking on my window.

I'm really stressed rn. This will be my first trip with my friends, and our trip is on June 26, but I still don't have enough money saved up.

I've already fully paid for my plane ticket and covered my share of the down payment for the rental car. Now I still need to pay for the Airbnb, which means I need to come up with $80 plus spending money for the trip.

Part of this is my fault because I wasn't clear enough about not being able to join due to my finances. I was honestly surprised when I saw our group chat and realized they had already included me when booking everything.

Still, I'm trying to stay positive (but still can't ). We only get to see each other once a year, and this will only be my 2nd time traveling outside the city. Maybe this is also a chance for me to step out of my comfort zone since I'm a huge introvert.

I can't start my day without coffee. Idk why, but coffee affects me differently—hot coffee makes me sleepy, while iced coffee keeps me awake all day long, lol.

Yikes! Looks like I haven't washed my coaster in ages. I wanted this photo to look aesthetic, but I guess I don't have much talent for photography.

Is it grief or guilt? It has been over a year since I lost my baby Cookie, and still trapped in a cycle of intense crying and grief every time I see our pictures or think of her.

I knew something was wrong when her stomach became unusually big and bloated. Everyone in my family thought she was pregnant. I thought so too at first, but I knew she couldn’t be because she was always inside my room or near the front of the house, and our gate was always closed. But then I noticed she would cry out in pain whenever I held her.

I knew deep down that something was seriously wrong, but I hesitated to take her to the vet because I was terrified of the medical expenses and didn't have the money. At that time, my mind was incredibly distracted by my older sister’s upcoming wedding. Looking back, I hate myself for not begging or borrowing the money right then and there to get her help.

I had to leave her to stay at a hotel for the wedding, saying goodbye to her on March 23. The very next day, when I finally got home, she was incredibly weak. I truly believe she was holding on, waiting just to see me one last time. Seeing her like that, I finally begged my parents to rush her to the vet, but it was too late. She took her very last breath right there in my arms. I was in such denial, crying and pleading with my dad that she was still breathing, but my mom pointed out that she had lost control of her bladder and was already gone.

I miss her so much, and the weight of 'what ifs' is hunting me. Even after more than a year, I still cry for her. I keep wondering what’s wrong with me, or if it’s normal to still feel this way after all this time.

I can honestly say that strangers hit differently, huh?

Meeting or getting to know someone online feels so different compared to real life. These strangers may only know your name or a small part of who you are, yet somehow it still feels comforting. It’s fun meeting people who know almost nothing about you, but somehow you can still become friends without needing to fully explain yourself.

Maybe that’s why I like talking to strangers sometimes. I think a part of me wishes to meet someone who won’t judge me or make me feel misunderstood. Someone who’s going through the same things and understands the feeling without needing too many explanations. There’s a certain kind of comfort in knowing someone relates to your experiences.

Friends outside the internet are great too, but online friendships still feel different in their own way. I don’t really know why, but I find it easier to share my thoughts and struggles with strangers or on social media rather than opening up to my own circle of friends. Maybe it’s because strangers don’t already have expectations of who you should be and it’s easier to be honest with people who barely know you.

This is the very first entry in my journal.

Tbh, I’m not really good at writing. I’ve never even kept a diary before because I’m usually too lazy to write, and sometimes I feel like I’m not creative enough to think of anything worth putting down on a page.

But lately, I’ve started realizing that sometimes you just need somewhere to let your thoughts out, even if it’s messy or random. Maybe writing things down like this can become a way for me to look back someday, reread old entries, and remember the little things that happened in my daily life.